By John Branston

A “team” of Memphis influencers calling he/she/we/themselves “The F-n Future” recently posted on a “Dark Web’ site that the vacant structure at 495 Union Avenue near downtown will be converted to a Whataburger and Buc-ee’s possibly by tomorrow.

The massive building once housed offices and production facilities for a cult calling themselves “newsies”.

“This will be, like, totally awesome!” texted a 12-year-old influencer with ten million followers. Senior influencers with Whataburger and Buc-ee’s declined comment in order to save their asses and avoid being taken seriously.

Influencers say the Gannett Company, once aligned with the “newsies,” struck a deal after strenuous negotiations to buy the blighted property for one year’s supply of delicious, stupendous Whataburgers and an unspecified discount on unfreakingbelievable Buc-ee’s Beaver Nuts.

            The encoded and encrypted text messages are sensitive because of certain vulgarities once associated with the words “nuts” and “beaver” and the acronyms GMFB and WTF? As well as certain emojis with a similarly vulgar slant to some prudes and pervs.

“This is, like, so awesome and totally huge,” said a senior 20-something Elder Influencer. “I mean, like, we are gonna blow your doors off when we rename City Hall “Whatthehall” and FedEx Forum the Musk Center. We have deep alliances and partnerships within the rap, ethnic, unhoused, homeless, corporate, grassroots, political, and faith communities so don’t, like, get your panties in a wad over this!”

FedEx forum will be renamed Whataburger Forum in the Musk Centre and the Grizzlies will remain (temporarily) the Grizzlies for a while since some crankypants lawyers in Milwaukee insisted that they came up with the nickname Bucks in, like 1920.

GMFB!

A Junior-fluencer posted on XAI that Whataburger will change its name to Whataf-nburger and the popular WTF? What the Buck instead (WTB?)

Sales at Whataf-nburger are expected to soar when the super delicious eateries begin offering a new crispy fish-like sandwich called The Muskie, said a 15-year-old analyst influencer in New York who is in charge of the operation.

A Buc-ee’s invasion of Mud Island is set for the Fourth of July, but renaming a section of the Mississippi River as the Musk River remains “on the negotiating table,” said the analyst-influencer, noting that MLGW, Musk, and President Trump support the deal.

Elon Musk himself will visit the new “campus” in the near F-N Future when his spaceship is ready to launch and the landing pad atop 495 Union Avenue is completed. He will be aiming for the bullseye to be rebranded in Muskspeak as the “Buc-ee’s Eye.” The landing will be preceded by the giveaway of a lightly used Waymo taxi from San Francisco. For the little buckaroos there will be discounted Buc-ee’s nuts, frozen treats, and nutritionally rich naturally processed food-like thingees delivered free by Amazon.

“Silicon Valley, wherever that is, is so f-n far away and so yesterday” posted a teen influencer with 16 million followers who chose to remain anonymous in strict obedience with company policy, according to a poster on XAI.

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To read more of John Branston’s posts, go to categories on the right side of this blog’s home page and select his name.   

John Branston has been contributing to Smart City Memphis for four years. Before that he wrote columns, breaking news, and long-form stories for The Commercial Appeal, Memphis Flyer, Memphis magazine, and other print and online publications. He is author of the books Rowdy Memphis (2004) and What Katy Did (2017). He is a journalist and opinion writer.  His stories are based on reporting, interviews and quotes supported by notes or a tape recorder. He has written about people who made Memphis what it is, for better and worse; about sleep issues and depression; about racquet sports; and about travel in the South and West.