Germantown Awards Contract for City Wall

From Dan Conaway’s Rantings:

The Mayor and Alder People of Germantown have just awarded a new contract to build a 50-foot wall around the suburban city. The contract is for $1.27 bazillion, “Give or take,” a high-class source confirmed, “our tax rate is going up 3,350%, but it’ll be our wall. We take care of ourselves in Germantown, by God.”

A separate $1 gazillion contract was awarded to the U.S. Corps of Engineers to build the moat, assuring that it will be much deeper and wider than necessary and cost every penny of a gazillion dollars. “Specifications include weeping willow trees and small landscaped islands shaped like horseshoes, so that citizens might punt and picnic on the moat of an afternoon,” said Major E. Rosion, project supervisor for the Corps, “provided, of course, they are citizens of Germantown and have the proper papers.” He added, “That portion of the Wolf River that runs within the borders of the city will be diverted to the moat, walled and channeled, a Corps specialty.”

Citing the inspiration of the Great Wall of China and its purpose of thwarting the Mongol hordes from the west, four-term Mayor Sharon Goldsworthy promised that the wall would be tasteful with strict control of materials and finishes used, height limits on watchtowers, and restrictive covenants on crenellations. “Chains employed to lower and raise drawbridges, for instance, will be polymer coated to minimize noise,” she said. “Consultants from Garden & Gun have been charged with stone selection and grout palette.”

The mayor further noted that watchtower sentinels should be able to easily detect any winds of change blowing their way in plenty of time for everyone to take cover behind the wall.

“The China reference will not be lost on those who have attended forums on the new charter and have heard the Germantown position delivered in what might be Mandarin, certainly inscrutable,” said an open-minded source.

In tribute to the mayor, now the longest reigning in Shelby County with the recent abdication of the monarch to the west, all passages through the wall normally called sally ports will be renamed Sharon ports by action of the Alder People.

“Just like all of our public buildings, the wall will be open to all,” a socially connected source said, “when we decide it will be open, of course, and excluding anyone, obviously, who’s for the charter, you know, like that Collierville woman, Linda Kerley? I mean there are limits. Well, not term limits for our mayor, but…like…other limits.”

Collierville immediately announced that it will begin plans for its own wall, but since it’s getting a later start, it will be funded by much newer money.

And all the neighboring counties have invited everyone to come on over once the people and businesses of Shelby County hit the wall.

I’m a Memphian, hoping we can build something that fosters progress rather than retreat, that encourages innovation rather than fear.